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Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009
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*The Abyss*
slumbering deep in a cave i've become a beast,
to wake greedily and feast,
on time lost, experiences, every moment that was stolen....
all the things i never got to do,
all the friends i never had,
everything i was too weak to grab.
from the abyss i come to live.
i'm finally awake again,
what was taken i will regain.
now i'm ruthless and seething
my debts to be repaid,
and all my strategies are yet to be played.
(c)2009
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(your aura glows like)
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*~*imposing your will is the same as abuse*~*
forlorn and forged with the blackest steel,
all tools oon our true nature revealed,
with subtle glances and far away stares,
i'm not an android inside of a girl
or a broken machine,
to be fixed with imperfect tools of your forging,
my system to be overriden and ready to use,
capable of your imposing your will which is the same as abuse,
i am just as valuable as you,
and in so many ways i am better than any of your good intentions,
they all go sour with your self intent,
you devour no poison it courses through your blood,
but somehow you still crave love.
(c)2009
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(your aura glows like)
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Tuesday, January 27th, 2009
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*~*a man without a clue(a victim of his own self sabotage)*~*
your neck is short and so is your temper,
so used to bowing down,
its a natural state bent like an elbow toward the ground,
your line of sight always below instead of above.
and a heart that craves but is absent of love.
there is a hunch in your shoulders,
this telltale slouch tells me you cry when no is present but suffer constantly in silence,
imagine violence in flashes of mental photography.
eyes sunken in a portly man,
weary from a lifetime of disappointment, subjugation, abandonment, and lack of comfort from holding a lovers hand.
you wonder why they all left you and could never just stay,
stay true,
stick around,
care about you more than what could get out of you day to day.
never found.
they ignored you or left town,
everyone eventually just walked away,
until me.
begging without words or on hands or knees,
you said by your financial giving inclemency please oh please just stay and love me,
i'll give you anything.
let me give you what you cannot afford,
hoping one day you would be adored.
they took and took till almost nothing you had,
you were left dying while they were glad,
to be rid of you with their material gain.
never thinking twice or even once of you or your pain,
never was it seen your true feelings in those crystalline green eyes,
maybe this is why you gave up before you ever really tried?
does it scare you that i don't run away?
does it shock, baffle, and amaze?
that i really stayed.
that someone would know the real you and remain.
even when i know the best you have already gave,
not even an ounce of sympathy did you save.
you gave your prime to those that didn't deserve it,
my kindness sparingly repaid,
i gave you my best,
my trust,
and my love,
you managed to slaughter it as a dove,
you cut me quick without reason or rhyme.
and after you've done you damage you don't have the time.
you show no remorse and if you do it comes years too late,
and half the time no self-reproach at all,
a proud man always comes before a fall,
you sad pitiful man,
who could have the world but chooses to crush it in his hand.
(c) 2009
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(your aura glows like)
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Sunday, January 25th, 2009
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*~*i'm the real thing be real for me*~*
let go of all the pretension holding you back from letting go
it doesn't always have to be popular
or socially acceptable
or fashionable to do
i wish you could just be you
who cares what others eyes think
when they scan you or me?
drones all of them
zombies and the artificial ingredients embalm them
aspartame
i don't want try to obtain this unrealistic ideal of beauty
so why do you?
you're a man full of so many gender contradictions
so shallow but you need such deep things
pretty packages are all rotting on the inside
and soon the package degrades showing is festering core
you can only change what is inside yourself and nothing more.
you let them dictate your thoughts
make you feel ashamed of your lycra dreams
inspire your on the surface calm storm behavior
but i know better
you are strange
you are deranged
you are broken
you are full of disease
you feel violence under your skin when you become red
you want to break me down
i can't let you win/in
i've been bent backwards so long
i'm touching the ground
i wish you could help me to stand again
help me swim instead of holding me under to drown
but this would mean you could be my friend
instead of my virulent master
if i were a butterfly you'd rip off my wings
if i were a siren you'd take away my ability to sing
you crawled under my skin
seeped into my veins
drank you like water
all it did was nourish my pain
i even tried not to complain
it's still a poison that i'm a slave
and at anytime i feel i may cave.....
in
an avalanche of failing hopes and unkept promises
made out to my very damaged heart
what motivated your possession?
is it love or merely calculated obsession?
is this how you methodically do me in?
ropes may bind but bruise the skin
now i have so much to say
set straight
enlighten
break down the walls of bullshit
peeling back layers of false courage
no not to discourage
open your eyes and your heart
i'm the real thing
be real for......me.
(c) 2009
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(your aura glows like)
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Friday, January 23rd, 2009
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*~*unable to run from myself*~*
i am an island unto myself,
where few visit and even fewer find its beauty,
my trees bear prickly, thorny but entirely sweet fruit,
fulfilling to those careful enough to consume correctly,
my soil is deep and rich where many things grow large and are protected by its lushness,
my water is only bitter to those who drink in a hurry,
i go for miles and on into the horizon of a setting sun,
i am in a fixed position but ever expansive,
unable to run from myself,
there is so much to relish and discover,
my climate is stormy according to a delicate ecosystem of sensitivity,
although i could stay warm and pleasant forever with the right catalyst.
(c) 2009
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(your aura glows like)
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Thursday, January 22nd, 2009
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Slave of Sorrow (7:24:12 PM): i know
Slave of Sorrow (7:24:14 PM): she's so full of shit
Slave of Sorrow (7:24:17 PM): she doesn't know misery
Slave of Sorrow (7:24:21 PM): she doesn't know pain
Rls animal lover (7:24:43 PM): I think you should start a POEM out of that NOW!xD
Slave of Sorrow (7:25:37 PM): i haven't dealt it to her
Rls animal lover (7:25:53 PM): "She doesn't know misery.
She doesn't know pain.
Truly she doesn't know anything.
Suffocated by her ignorance unable to see the truth of her or her surroudings." ;P Wow THAT was extremely random
Slave of Sorrow (7:26:00 PM): from the mouth of children mother is the name of god
Slave of Sorrow (7:26:11 PM): i would debase her temple and topple it to the ground
Slave of Sorrow (7:26:22 PM): and burn the ashes and smother them gasoline
Rls animal lover (7:26:33 PM): XDDDD Assssshllleeeey
Slave of Sorrow (7:26:36 PM): i'd still be seething and but i'd be breathing
Rls animal lover (7:26:38 PM): I love you! XD
Slave of Sorrow (7:26:59 PM): can't you see that i wasn't born to worship you or financial support you
Slave of Sorrow (7:27:07 PM): i do not nor have i ever adored you
Slave of Sorrow (7:27:26 PM): couldn't stand you a birth because of you my life not full of mirth
Slave of Sorrow (7:27:54 PM): dream as you may thinking on days and events that never happened not quite the way you remembered
Slave of Sorrow (7:28:37 PM): eat your words they are all lies and someday soon will switch the tides of karma.
Slave of Sorrow (7:28:40 PM): *ends*
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(your aura glows like)
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Saturday, January 10th, 2009
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*no need to scream*
i glance at you barely turning my head and squinting my eyes in disapproval....
you interpret it as wishful removal...
suddenly you lose your breath and turn red,
your screams echo in my head,
violate my ears with the volume of your displeasure,
for it there is high decibel measure,
public humiliation just that quick in front of family, friends, and strangers or foe.
i never meant to enrage her,
for a mere look that you feel is unwarranted,
no one is immune from your biological megaphone.
berated and talked down to.
i know i will never get through.
condescending tones got me down so low
happiness or melancholy i'm unable to show
i always look down even where there is no one around,
inside i am bound,
there is no need to scream when i sit timidly and listen.
never fighting back and wallowing in the despondency you deal out with each vociferation.
kindness not of your own volition.
there's no need to scream
there's no need to yell
i'm listening to this audible hell.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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Thursday, December 25th, 2008
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*~*fair weather for a friend(heartsickness)*~*
judge you they will when if they judged self
their worth would be devalued
then that means they would no longer be above you
but equals in their blemishes of the soul
leave you when you are struggling at the bottom
desert you and then come back to be comforted
surrounded by them you have you have got them
this is a fairweather friend
they ignore your problems and give more importance to their paltry predicaments
you are a fool for thinking life could ever be about you
it's always about them
selfless you can be always thinking of others
when no one gives a damn about your collapse
no they don't even think to ask
it isn't their supine task
help them out for them to leave you stranded
they wouldn't rescue you if you demanded
and consistently capable of doing things underhanded
they turn on your like a wolf
evil as the cloven-hoofed
instead of picking you up
they'll kick when you're down
why allow yourself such heartsickness?
it's just you against the whole world.
(c) 2008
"i just made you up to hurt myself" - nin only
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(your aura glows like)
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Monday, December 22nd, 2008
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*Desires*
who really knows what is in someones heart?
revealing the truth of someones desire
are they a saint or a very good liar?
i think every man, woman, and child is filled with the darkest of these
never exposing themselves of their deep seeded shame and disapointment in their thoughts
forming guilt in good deeds to misprove their own tempted blackness
secrecy is a necessity for all evil
blaming others and each other and hating the next for a desire they feel so their contempt will not reveal their true will.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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Saturday, December 20th, 2008
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*~*can you get to the golden gate if you break the golden rule?*~*
wreck
you don't even see you're damaged
i'm not sure how you manage
all the stories you have to keep up
do ever get in a rut?
you pretend you don't but....
i'm sure that's what causes your nervous ticks
tick tick tick....
all you do is inflict
yourself on everyone
your words are thoughts unsung
i can see your ignorance has won
and to think your judgment of me has just begun
it's easy to believe you do no wrong
i know that people like you believe it all their life long
in your mind your actions never cause harm
would it it alarm?
it's easy to be a hypocrite
it's easy to do it just to fit
in with every other misguided, deluded, self-absorbed fool
you are a christian but you forget the golden rule
you fight against a system you are a tool
of knowingly brainwashed to believe that it's all about you
that you can get past your past
if you do let's see how long that lasts
that it doesn't make up who you are today
claiming you are immune to dwelling on your history
you are human
you are damaged from societal, peer, media, familial destruction
to me people like you with your one-sidedness are merely an obstruction
to the truth and denial is the only form of self-preservation
that you use
i don't claim to know everything
i'm not the chosen one
i don't claim to be better than others or act as if i am
i'm not that narcissistic
and i'm not the super villian you deem me to be
the super villian is the one you see in the mirror every morning
and if i'm evil and deranged
at least i'm honest.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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*~*the crown has been lost my king*~*
break you.
i will do it and not think twice.
just as you did but not as nice.
revenge unfolds in flowering moments of false calm.
my pretty smile is seething fire.
glittery eyes hide the furry behind.
i'm not afraid to wait.
i can take my time.
hurt me once.
i never forget.
forgive i pretend.
trust is something i don't give so freely.
won't intimidate me not for one more moment.
refusal of this power you once had over.....
the king has lost and crown.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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Wednesday, December 17th, 2008
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| Subject: | *good woman* |
| Time: | 11:45 pm. |
| Mood: | betrayed. | | Music: | bob marley & the wailers - "could you be loved". |
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*good woman*
a good woman is hard to find,
and if you do she is probably blind,
to all of your nasty misdeeds,
still for you her heart bleeds,
walking oblivious into the web you weave,
that you've spun to capture and deceive,
she is the flower and you are the scythe,
to tear her away from her home and waste her life,
you take the best years of her prime,
and when you've isolated, alienated, detained and left her benumbed she's not left with a dime.
of her own free will and selflessness she bears you children with your name,
in return for her kindness you force her into submission and cause great pain,
she gives you security as a blanket gives a small child,
and the stability you've handed her is like a house cat fending in the wild,
treacherous and numerous your shallow, selfish and thoughtless misgivings,
still after all you've done like a saint she is forgiving,
good women should not be punished for having a good heart,
should not be used, disregarded, or their souls ripped apart,
good women deserve good men,
and bad men deserve a bitter end.
(c)2008
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(your aura glows like)
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Sunday, November 16th, 2008
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*~*please let my soulmate have a messiah complex*~*
i was the one too smart to get caught in someone else's web
too tough to bite off more than i could chew
still figuring out just what it is i am supposed to do
i don't know
so do you?
crushed by this sense of entitlement that doesn't entitle me to anything
but misery
it's hard to believe i was the one that got away for the ones that let me go
now they miss me
after i had to let them know
inspired so many men to try harder at something they'd never get right
never gave them the hope to hold on tight
or know the true emptiness that was inside
how many times i've almost died
i've cried too many nights
to sleep
just to get a few hours of eyes shut and no dreams
i've gone through life with such low self-esteem
half the time i don't know even know what my own words mean
take me seriously but seriously don't take everything i say and do to heart
especially when it breaks you down and tears you apart
so much love and hopelessness
but i never give up
i need one person to be enough
to save me from myself.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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Monday, November 10th, 2008
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*I Know I'm Alive*
dig deep and intensify the dramatic woeful song within...
it hurts so bad but i know i'm alive...
try so hard to redeem myself of all the wrongs that just can't go right....
dreaming of better days and the bad with no end in sight....
tears flow like rivers down two cherub cheeks, eyes like glass and heart full of defeat....
i haven't gone numb yet so i know i'm still alive...
i know it's going to hurt like hell but i'm still going to try...i'm still alive...i repeat to myself i know i'm still alive.
sedativ (c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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Saturday, September 27th, 2008
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*~*i'm not, i'm not*~*
everything i'm going to say has been said
too sad none of it got to your head
i'm not the woman of your dreams
i don't even look like her
i'm not so perfect and beautiful
i don't treat you like shit
or you use for money
i obviously don't have the body for it
i don't cheat
i find all your jokes funny
i don't abandon you every time you don't do exactly as i say
or refuse me money
i'm not heartless
but i am falling apart
i don't tell you a bunch of lies
about how i'll be there for you
then never even try
i'm not the woman of your dreams
it hurts too much now to try
and i've been trying so hard
for so long
i still don't add up
i've quit asking myself why
calculations prove i'm not what you want
if i were you'd sacrifice anything
to open your heart to me
be honest
just be kind
it may be too late for you to change your mind
i've already given you far too much of my time
i don't want the car
you can have the house
this wasn't what it was all about
i don't walk around with a pricetag around my neck
i require at least a little of your respect
i require more than your minimal effort
i require more than just a fraction of your attention and time
these are things i shouldn't even have to mention
if i were the woman of your dreams
i draw the line
i'd be afraid to do it without you
but i know i'd survive
i'd stay alive.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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Monday, September 22nd, 2008
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*~*hope is like dope*~*
hope is like dope
it only numbs the pain
i'm searching for something stronger
something that won't ruin my veins
oh, i've been betrayed again
how do i not go insane?
give me instructions
tell me what to do
how i should feel
what is the proper protocol?
how does it work for you?
i resort to shutting down
pushing the world away
living inside my head
forever and a day
people always dissapoint
at the worst times
they don't seem to care
when they dig the knife in
while laughing in your face
they think it's funny
i want to end the human race
they always fake and pretend
i just wanted a real and true friend
inside i'm all alone
inside i'm not sitting at home
inside i've broken each caring thought
inside i've let every selfless desire fall apart
inside i've let die my own heart.
hope is like dope
it only takes away desire to care.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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Thursday, September 18th, 2008
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nothing makes sense anymore. i tried for so long and so hard to beat it. it's gotten the best of me. i know i had so much to live for. it was just too hard to try anymore. i love you son. you were the best thing to happen to me. you are a smart and handsome boy and i know you will do great things in your life. don't give up like i did ever. charlie i love you and i think that was my biggest weakness. i gave my heart too willingly and freely but as far as i was concerned you were worth it. i know you'll find happiness with someone else. make sure that his new mother takes good care of him and is nice to him. i hope i didn't cause you too much pain or sadness. i tried so hard to make you happy. i just had to do something for myself. i was in too much pain. it got to be too much. i'll always love you and lil charlie. please remember how much i love you when you snuggle up under the blanket. i hope that it can hold and comfort you when i can't. please forgive me and don't be mad at me. i'm so sorry. i gave you my everything and my all. i was always faithful and i gave you all my time. i only wanted you. lil charlie you were the center of my universe since the day you were born. i hope one day you're able to experience the joy of being a parent. i know you'd make a wonderful father. gramma i'm sorry that i've dissappointed you. rebecca watch out for lil charlie. i love you so much gramma and becca. thanks for loving me.
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(2 suns | your aura glows like)
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Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008
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*~*i need*~*
my thoughts and heart are racing
my feet are pacing
i'm not so sure what to do
should i pick up the phone to call you
it's been a while
sincelast we spoke
didn't have that good time
figured i could use you on down the line
waiting to make up my mind
if you were worth the trouble
worth all the consistent drama
and inconsistent comfort and flattery
i like you for you but
you're just too much for me
too much of everything
and low on all the things i need
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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Monday, September 1st, 2008
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*~* the great wall befalls the bull *~*
you are far
away in some cataclysmic
dismal abyss
breathing anger and disappointment
tapping your feet
clenching your teeth
tightening your fist
yell all you want
i've heard all your insignificance
what have i done to deserve this?
i've come undone
please act like everything isn't my fault
if even for a short time
don't lie
don't hide
be you
i will allow it
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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Wednesday, August 20th, 2008
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*anyone but me*
he doesn't want to tell me i'm beautiful
but i miss more than the day before
captivated by hours of nothing
my illness gets worse
and i get weaker
inside and out
falling apart
breaking
shutting down
my far away stare is silent
when usually i smile
and have so much to say
so much of me is gone away
i'm wore to a state of numbed agony
surviving on choked hope
internalized frenzy
nihilistic
grinding my teeth
no one notices my charley horse(or cares if noticed not even the charley)
maybe i'm not a beauty queen
but i'm all you'll ever need
still i wish i weren't me
i wish i could be anyone else
God in heaven give an angel's face
i am no one at all.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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Tuesday, August 19th, 2008
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it doesn't matter if i'm right
i'm still wrong
it doesn't matter what i have to say
you don't listen
you hear what you want
it doesn't matter what i do
it's never enough
i wish you didn't always have to be right
i wish you didn't always have to be so uptight
i wish you'd listen to what i have to say
without yelling and going into a rage
i wish you wouldn't tell me what i think
i wish you wouldn't tell me what i need
when all i've done is love and respect you.
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(your aura glows like)
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Thursday, August 14th, 2008
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| Subject: | *Find my mystery* |
| Time: | 9:46 pm. |
| Mood: |  lonely. | | Music: | mindless self indulgence - "never wanted to dance(combichrist'sElectrohurtzMix)". |
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*Find my mystery*
there are things i just don't say. i sit silent staring off into the distance. as if i've found something far off miles away. you never notice except to say "are you angry?"
i chastise myself every moment over these things i've done and said. or i thought was responsible for. you made me believe this.
a bunch of interpretations of the facts. it's amazing how over and over again a man that is never wrong. i applaud you for your work and your persuasion.
how laborious this deceit is to weave and make me see exactly what you see.
i dare you once to find the mystery that lies behind my eyes. what i really think of your and you lies.
(c) 2008
lyrics to: mindless self-indulgence - "never wanted to dance(combichrist'sElectrohurtzMix)"
There's nothing you can d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
There's nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself
I never wanted to dance with nobody not you
I never wanted to dance with nobody but you
I never wanted to dance with nobody but you
I never wanted to dance with nobody but you
I never wanted to dance with nobody but you
I never wanted to dance with nobody but you
I never wanted to dance with nobody but you
I never wanted to dance with nobody
But you wouldn't take no for an answer you f**king bitch
Be nice!
Be nice to me
Don't let me be
Be nice!
Be nice to me
Don't let me go
I am too cool for the second grade
I'm amazed
I'm afraid
I am too cool for the second grade
There ain't nothing
You can do
That I have not already done to myself
There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself
There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself
There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself
There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself
I never wanted to dance with nobody not you
I never wanted to dance with nobody but you
I never wanted to dance with nobody
But you wouldn't take no for an answer you f**king bitch
Be nice!
Be nice to me
Don't let me be
Be nice!
Be nice to me
Don't let me go
I am too cool for the second grade
I'm amazed
I'm afraid
I am too cool for the second grade
There ain't nothing
You can do
That I have not already done to myself
Be nice!
Be nice to me
Don't let me be
Be nice!
Be nice to me
Don't let me go
Be nice!
Be nice to me
Don't let me be
Be nice!
Be nice to me
Don't let me go
Be nice!
Be nice to me
Don't let me be
Be nice!
Be nice to me
Don't let me go
Be nice!
Be nice to me
Don't let me be
Be nice!
Be nice to me
Don't let me go
I never wanted to dance with nobody not you
I never wanted to dance with nobody but you
I never wanted to dance with nobody but you
I never wanted to dance with nobody
But you wouldn't take no for an answer you f**king bitch
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(your aura glows like)
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Wednesday, August 13th, 2008
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*~*bitter and blistered (a man afraid to care)*~*
there's a taste in mouth
i am not soon enough rid
i'm doing the things i am forbid
can you believe i've become so evil
my halo no longer glowing
now my teeth are showing
i want to hurt you so bad
i want you to know just how mad
really, i am
you're too busy and bothered to understand
i thought you were my closest friend
shhh...it's a secret that you care
with your steel heart and iron silence
it provokes my withdrawn violence
when will it be ok to say what you really feel?
i wish i could just bite my tongue off
i hope things will get better
but i'm still young
not completely ruined by the world just yet.
look the sky is falling
the sky is falling
the whole world is watching.
(c)2008
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(your aura glows like)
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Sunday, August 10th, 2008
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*~*outside of myself he and she*~*
i wrote him a long letter
it said all the things
that i really feel
still he doubts that i'm really an angel
still he wonders what devils i'm with
when he's sailing the ocean
oh the commotion of thoughts
brought down like razors on pale skin
he sinking on a ship as it floats
sinking deeper into his insecurities
and his hidden obsession
to avoid any type of rejection
still he can't figure what to say
he think he's said it all
afraid to say the wrong thing
will she ever love him the way she used to
not realizing she loves him more than she ought to
which is much more than before
not lessened by time or their life
she's hurt just like him
stuck trying to figure out where to begin.
(c)2008
"i just can't get you out of my head.....won't you stay...forever and ever"
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(your aura glows like)
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*~*i am what i was born with*~*
i am what i was born with
genetic code already decided
and still i feel ashamed of what i am
there's only so much one can do
about what you look like
you can lose weight
dye your hair
put in contacts to change your eyes
and you're still left with everything else
in a way i'm glad i'm not cursed with an excessive amount of beauty
my looks is something i've never relied on
my heart and my head was
i want someone to be attracted to my soul
instead of it's package
that kind of magnetism lasts.
(c)2008
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(1 sun | your aura glows like)
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Wednesday, August 6th, 2008
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*~*non-existent the nobody*~*
she's stopped crying
as the last tear hit the floor
she's stopped bleeding
as the last bit of blood dries at her wrists
she's stopped breathing
as the last breathe she whispers
"it was love that hurt the most"("love is the biggest bitch")
once she was entangled by a touch
that comforted her
once she was living in a dream
that made her happy
he used to be so close
now he's so far gone
finding new galaxies in space
entertained by bright light and her painful adoration
now she's living in a world she doesn't fit in
doing things that kill her more everyday
lost in submission
forced indecision
she was somebody
oh, she was somebody
now she's nobody because she's in love.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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*~* a day in April i was deceived *~*
was it a misprint on the paper?
on that day in April
when you said you'd care for all time
it's starting to leave a bruise on my heart
in time i'm sure will not heal
as the damage you have done to me is real
and not imagined
i just needed you to be there for me
even occasionally
it's a tragedy that my feelings inconvenience you so
it's a crime that you don't care to know
just how dejected and lost i feel
i've put you back together like humpty dumpty
more times than i care to admit
and now you act as if you are through
with picking up my pieces
i build a wall of isolation with each cold remark
you tear me down repeatedly
to build yourself back up
i'm through being the one that makes you feel better
at my expense.
(c) 2008
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(4 suns | your aura glows like)
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Saturday, August 2nd, 2008
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*Summertime Loves*
a breath of fresh air engrained in memory.
sultry soft fingers drenched in mine own sweat.
the calluses of your fingers enthrall my senses.
at last i can sigh and feel relieved.
i swallow the madness of you with a deep kiss.
throbbing with sadness you find me willful but beneath your sadism.
filled forceful with the rage of a desolate whore.
apart i come. i am undone.
again i taste your sweat.
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(your aura glows like)
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*~*talking it through(will keep us together)*~*
the meat on the bone
worn and aching
fearless of work
labor is constantly taking
the best parts of you
you'd prefer video games
to an angels voice
bitter and jaded
by things not inflicted by your adoring siren
why constantly force her to suffer you?
she is the one that loves you the most
so should she not receive back what she gives?
love, acceptance, dedication, understanding, nurturing
someone you can always talk to
the one who despite your array of sensitivity
cares for it all and listens
all she wants is understanding
and your willingness to listen
and talk things through
after all she has is you
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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*~* preoccupied by someone not worthy of me*~*
navigate this endlessly pit
i thought you'd be the one to do it
how soon was i deceived
to ever believe
you'd never become apathetic
when it came to me
now i'm left to do this on my own
once again
with no alcohol to dull the strain
to endure a life i once loved
looking back i realize
it was never that great to begin with
in reality
what i thought was good
was all made up
it was fantasy
imagining people how i wish they could be
oh how you've worn me down lover
i would have settled for such a small portion
of your attention
of your affection
that will be the one check that will never clear
the aspect of you where your credit is bad
basic human components you lack
your heart i will never crack
the codes will never be made known
i will just get dragged down
and eventually drown.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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*~* starved for attention(depleted by selfish beings)*~*
why fix broken people
they will destroy you in the process
and care not for the damage caused
fortunate is one without worries
without pretense
guise or coating of steel masks
inside me wages a war of furies
burning till i can't rage anymore
breathing the breath of fire
using gazes that turn men to stone
i am convinced now in this world i am alone
with no one talk to
no one to tell my broken heart
when even your closest confidant will not allow his ear
you know you reached desolation
hoping for a final solution
you have nothing
passing days barely there
tormented by words of those you hold most dear
and no one seems to care
that you are even here
material things have no value
as if they ever did
they provide no comfort for solace
only the deep cut of the knife
the razor to the flesh
the burning of your skin
the smell of burning hair
reminds at least you can control your own physical agony
another day i shall deprive myself of food
until the hunger mimics my hate
starved for attention
so i don't eat.
(absolution i pray for like rain
God hear me.)
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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*~*farthermost*~*
waiting on you to call
sitting with music low
focused on the sound of the ring tone
wondering what i can do
to be better
get you to really notice me
i wish i wasn't so on fire
i wish i wasn't so in need
for you my heart bleeds
endlessly
you always say you worry i'll get too much of a good thing
if i could just get enough of you
the pangs of want wouldn't torment
i'd sigh a sigh of relief and security
please provide emotional stability
you are far away when you are gone
you are farthermost when you're near me
i don't understand for once
why don't you give in to my touch
why you always look away
not keeping steady eye contact
what can i do to make everything all right for you?
what can i do to get you to me like i love you?
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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*~* IV is it you*~*
IV is it you
sweet emersion of a cold war i feel.
this numbness is down to the bone but i'm not getting chills.
i flourish with your tongue in my mouth.
sweet temptations that i never get enough.
IV salvation unfounded by lips
IV loss of thought within acts perverse
IV sinful gestures warm desires flow
IV till weakness overcomes flesh
IV do you shiver from cold
IV memories define our real things
imagine i was once myself.
imagine me not deformed but with health.
devour my flaws like a wolf.
raised up as innocent, just and pure.
everything you dish out i promise i will endure.
i'm here for you.
is it you?
IV what is and what is not
IV the moments drift from us as our sanity
IV clutching for air as if it were solidified
IV i see you fallen
IV are you wounded
IV hunted
IV driven from green pastures
IV what remains save the memories
curled up and balled away in a corner.
barely used seemingly unwanted.
what should i do to provoke you to adore me?
do i still have magic over your wiles?
it is i who is wrapped around your finger.
waiting for the moment you touch me.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008
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*~* the cleansing flame *~*
i wrapped the bloody pieces of skin and bones in the white sheets
the smell is getting worse now just sitting room temperature
collectively he was so heavy
and piece by piece he was so much easier to carry
this dream come true has become a little scary
knowing i may get caught if i do not hide this julienned flesh
days of lack of sleep turn me into this reviled being i have become
i feel so horrible for what i've done
in a way i can breathe better
is it you wrapped in these sheets
was it you that brought anger unleashed
is it you who now brings on stench
is you who now decays
is it you who now rots
i'll burn you and keep your last wishes
eat your ashes
they are now purified by the flame
i am no longer in pain.
(c) 2008
written in response to the above this is written by IV:
pale skin against white sheets wrapped
scent lingering till stillness tempts the room bringing air to weigh collectively
as each dream lingers piece by piece
fear comes forth hand in hand with desire
moonlight takes me
ravishing breath until unleashed i am
light fades
decays
burning remnants of our days
ashes no longer forms to touch
seductions lost as lips do brush across the dust
yet still i moisten air
alas i feel no more pain
|
(your aura glows like)
| Subject: | *Burn* |
| Time: | 11:02 pm. |
| Mood: |  curious. | | Music: | she wants revenge - "these things". |
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*Burn*
how long will it take to turn you?
i can't wait to burn you
when you eat dirt from my instruction it reassures me of your submission
this is your admission
of your bleeding heart and when i can't stand to look at you anymore
and when you are almost out the door
for a second the anger recedes and i'm able to make you feel needed and loved
but it's all a rouse to burn you
i can't wait to turn you
i don't know why it feels so good to hurt you
to see you cry
to make you beg for mercy and make you want to die
plead for my love like it was your air
and oddly enough my beautiful victim i do really care
that frantic look in your eyes when i hurt myself
all these things are so precious to me
exceedingly overwhelms
swallows me whole
like i do you when i feel guilty
i can't wait to burn you again
i can't wait to turn you in brutalizer sympathizer
it makes me feel alive again.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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*~*i am a human trainwreck*~*
i took the time to realize my selfish rage
my handcrafted guilded cage
who do i blame?
can't blame myself
can't live with the guilt
can't take the fact that nothing seems to go according to plan
so i ask myself what's the plan?
that's so good that when it's not executed without a hitch
i lose it and fall apart!
-
oh my fragile nerves
oh my broken heart
it never healed from the first devastation
it's still falling apart
no one stitched me back together
or tried to make me smile
i hid it like a contagious disease
and now this hurt is seeping out of me all the while
-
now it affects all that i am and all that i do
and everyone that is close to me
how have i let this get the best of me?
for so long.....
why do i still wonder what i did wrong?
if they say isn't me all along?
-
i don't control the universe or a single soul
so how could it all be my fault?
there's so much self-doubt rising to the surface
clouding any sane or clear thoughts
i'm overwhelmed fighting it
screaming and crying
pacing, thinking
i don't want anyone to see me like this
i know i'm not making good choices
currently without better judgement
dwindling in delusional and lack of hope
why can't i just cope?
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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*Playing in the Sandbox*
alone in a sea of sand till someone reaches over and steals my hand...
i laugh...
i giggle...
i squeal with glee....
to have someone in the sandbox playing with me...
shyly i hand some sand to my newfound friend...
"can we make a sandcastle or perhaps a new friend?"
time passes by and it seems like only minutes...
but we've been playing for hours in it...
freshly i stand to place my feet in the sand
and now it's time for mommy to take my hand.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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*~*butcher shop boy*~*
as a boy he worked in a butcher shop
learning how to disassemble living things
dreaming of the day he could slice his abuser open
as a man he worked on ships
learning how to disassemble and fix mechanisms
possibly how to discern how people think before it happens
he was very alone all the way
now he's dreaming of the day he could throwing everyone overboard
now he's wishing sometimes his voice would be heard
i love his penchant for the gruesome
his apathy true to form
he's not where he wants to be in life at least not quite
memories of the butcher shop remind
that he could destroy any living thing with his hands
he's so dark and misunderstood
no one wants him
no one likes him
for what he really is
no one but me really knows him
the world abused him
made him ashamed
and i embrace him
he's so good with his hands.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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*~*cloned lunatic*~*
emancipate....
retaliate....
(i already knew i'm far too good for lot of you)
i loved you so much i turned you into a woman
looked for you in someone else's eyes
she was even a moonchild
she was just as selfish and just as full of lies
just as overweight
just as pathetic
just as helpless and adorable in her submission
to me
and just as unwanted
by everyone
the way she spoke sounded too familiar
and the way she just stood and stared at me
maybe this is just something cancers do
under the moon
forced by the light to stare at my glowing skin
i'm not sure why i only attract desperate lunatics
and just like you she will never fully have me
just like you she will never make me happy
just like you she will never possess me
because i'm unfettered and liberated
i am free to do as i please without you knowing
the many secret lives i live
and not meant to be held down
kept back from the world and it's experiences
which i am so curious to acquire
put another notch on my belt
i know you will try to force me into your cage
and in the end i will never stay
i will ALWAYS FLY AWAY!
i am a ghost.
(c) 2008
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(1 sun | your aura glows like)
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*~*reaction to a stalker*~*
i will eventually find a way to destroy you
biding my time will be easy
plotting and planning will enlighten and enliven me
i feel a fresh batch of warm blood course my veins
i'm not scared anymore to take my stand
i'm not terrified anymore to raise my balled hand
you are a tyrant and a vagrant!
a mistake among perfection!
you will receive ultimate rejection!
something that will never leave your recollection!
did you even realize what you had done?
when you crossed me?
was it contrived?
was it planned?
i'm sure it was
i don't doubt your obvious intentions
even though the truth was what you failed to mention
you are disappointment in the face of a smile
you are a damaging lie
the fake tears leak out of your eyes
i wish i could gut you like a fish
suture you like a kidney thief
watch the light in your eyes go out
and your body go still never to reanimate
this is my vengeful hate.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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*~* broKen reALIty demon*~*
you can't constantly depend on the kindness of strangers
they put you in danger
you can't always put yourself in bad situations
it ruins your reputation
you can't always use up the generosity of your family and friends
eventually they'll tire and not let you in
your a faded a soul
washed out and lost all vivid color
you aren't dreaming anymore
you aren't trying anymore
you've allowed yourself to become useless
and pointless
the only thing your good at is being a whore
and when you're in real trouble they will abhor
you
loathe you
send hate in the form of a look
too empty to try
too weak to care
too oblivious to know better
you're so far away you're no longer there.
(your reality broken so long ago
there is no flight or fight
you stand still
with nothing but selfish will)?
(c) 2008
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(2 suns | your aura glows like)
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*tender arms*
wrap them around me even though i'm a little scared...
let the warmth fool me that your heart might exist....
leaving me with the chance i might persist....
drag me down with them into the deepest ocean...
i'd drown and stare at the sun...
let them force themselves upon just as they've always done...
let your tender arms hold me down....
suffocate me so all that i smell is your sweat....
and just when the fear in my eyes begin to fade let your tender arms never stray away
(rejection was the only thing that has ever stayed.)
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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*~* brain cells suffer for confidence*~*
kill my memories with each smoke filled breath
till i'm barely breathing
till i'm barely thinking
till i'm barely left
dig me out and place yourself inside of me
commit the sin with the assurance you'll still love me
build me up
break me down
i'll become the mold inside your hands
transform into any shape
be anything
why can't you placate me?
you can break me times over
times over don't make it end
dont look me straight in eye
you might just see me
for what i am
kill my memories with each smoke filled breath
till i'm barely breathing
barely thinking
barely anything
other than what you want me to be
till i'm not ashamed of what i am.
(i told you were all i wanted as long as you have enough to give)
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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*~*functionless, idle misery*~*
tonight i dine in hell
tonight i am
where i am not met well
breathing screams that sound like sighs
echoing questions as they come back lies
the panic catches up to me
i am completely caught off guard
i wish someone
anyone
would have told me
that it would be this hard
stuck with the staleness of the air
the silence of a house empty
feelings of defeat
going over my self-doubt
confused and baffled why everyone is gone
trying to understand what it was i did wrong
if it were nothing then i still ask why
why am i living?
why do i even try?
when they all leave
they are gone
without one moment's notice
without even raising alarm
.
tonight i am all i have
functionless idle misery.
(c)2008
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(your aura glows like)
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*~* focus lost *~*
Could not focus
All I could do was dream
Dream hopelessly
Hope desperately
Desperately helpless wanting you
just one more small moment
I lost my way in the closure of a thought
When everything pulsed for a moment and went back down to size
When did life get away from me?
Why has tragedy always got the best of me?
It just all seems so damned contrived
I have been hurting for a long time
Ignoring my pain
Left waiting for someone to acknowledge it
To tell me it’s orphaned name
Focusing on more denial to get me through the day
When you’re just an electronic device away
It seems we spend most of our time together this way
A typed word
A voice on the phone
Face to face you’re a stranger
I’m so afraid of being alone
Kisses don’t last long enough
Embraces too few to remember
I wonder if you can focus on anything
Other than this impossible dream
Trying to make distance disappear
As if you were always here
I do things that remind me of you
Like leave the radio on before I go outside
Come back to music that helps me survive
Then I can’t focus I just dream
Of times I wish did not end end
I’m just so lost
So misguided
So frantic and beside it
I need you to display your love
To reassure when I’m not so sure
Hold me when I’m afraid
Kiss my tears when I fall apart
Show me that you at least have a heart
Erase the distance that has been keeping you and me
A wall thickening between us
Insulated with all the things we just didn’t say
All the things we never thought to do
Things we promised and never made good on
Pushing me continents away from your eyes
I just want to get closer to you
And you’re scared
That you might drown
Terrified if I get what I want
I may leave
You stay longer
I would stay longer
If I just got what I need.
(c) 2008
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(1 sun | your aura glows like)
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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008
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Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008
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*innocent and pure*
careless and wreckless like a whore,
but you're a man this somehow makes you more,
of what is considered to be a man,
managed by your ability to overcome with the strenght of your hands.
fight as i will.
lose as i might i still wont stop fighting.
everything you said was nothing more than eleborate lies.
gentle you have never been,
or considerate of the other sex.
blaming them for your shortcomings even during sex.
such a control freak but it's all just in your head.
hurt me if you have to i don't care.
please don't look at me.
please don't stare.
intentions mean nothing when what i believed for them to be innocent and pure.
i think you just used me.
disgusted though i am still not sure.
(c) 2008
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(your aura glows like)
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Thursday, October 25th, 2007
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*By any Other Name*
if you breathe i want to be your breath
if you have nothing i want to be all you have left
the warmth in the coldness of your heart
you wrapped around my finger nothing could tear us apart
almost like a cancer you've invaded inch of my validation
insecurity at it's peak hours tonight and i'm alone
by any other name i would be a desperate fool with every to lose and nothing to gain
hopefully your love but probably nothing but torture, madness, and misery.
(c) 2007
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(your aura glows like)
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Sunday, October 7th, 2007
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*nevermore*
that i felt of a glimpse of a touch to my face,
or soft lips to mine breathing heavily i dream,
fonder i've become even of your most intolerable habits,
assured by the light in your eyes,
nevermore, shall i and nor will thy.
(c) 2007
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(your aura glows like)
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Sunday, September 9th, 2007
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*Echoes Vision*
with all these thoughts rattling through my head....
breathing erratically almost ashamed of my shaking hands on the steering wheel..
terrified more of what i could have done than what could be done to me and without a second's notice....
it echoes vision of time i nearly beat another human to death there was a lot blood...
unfortunately this time despite my intrusive anger....
i held back my hands...
put back my knife...
walked to my car...
kissed my child...
because after all he was alright...
as i'm driving white-knuckling the wheel...
thinking that bastard should lose every finger....
and every single last body part he holds dear...
that his throat needed to be sliced like bread...
tortured like a political refugee...
but these were echoes of visions still running in my head...
the man just does not realize how lucky he is that i swallowed my maternal rage and let him live just one more day....
just one more day.
Sedativ
(c) 2007
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(your aura glows like)
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the_gyrl_crying's journal
pensive.
cynical.
melancholy.
depressed.
crushed.
confused.
disappointed.
determined.
angry.
sad.
enraged.
pissed off.
anxious.